i'm on and of..ahaha.. i know i've been not consistent in updating my blog..i am just too busy rite now.. debate... committed to events and also striving for this sem.. i hope i'll pass it.. hoping very much..

   i planned to change course... sumthing, other than engineering.. maybe law, maybe IT mayb masscomm... after having a chat with my sis today, i'm now not sure. my sis graduated with EE dip, she got a job at a factory near our house. after 3 months working, she got promoted to be an IT executive. I'm just proud of her... but as what i got from our conversation, it's all about having the soft skills... the ability to learn fast, the ability to absorb info quickly and the communication skills. She has all that, and I know, I have them too.. I really wanna be as successful as her, but if I'm outta the varsity without an engineering degree, cud I?

   I'm just hoping that I cud lead my life good enuff for me and my family after varsity. At the same time, enjoying what I do. Last nite, when my family and I were on our way to celebrate my stermom's birthday to Ipoh, my dad asked me bout my academic. I said, average... trying... and he said, how cud I say so... all your other friends can do better. I just answered him, "they all do what they like to do, i'm doing sumthing i need..i have to do" which i know, anybody hears that will quickly interpreted my line as "i'm forced to take engineering".. my dad paused for a while.. as I think i sounded a bit rebellious at that time.. and he said.. just do it.. that's what u have..or sumthing like it...

   I can't help myself from being a think-a-lot sumbody..mayb wit the adding of age, i also add my maturity. rite now, i'm hating one of my bestfren.. i really wanna eliminate him from my life.. but can i do so?? he's just all that i don't wanna be.. hiding behind his nice-to-all behavior. It sickened me even more seeing his pretentment... i think i shud eliminate him... i don want him to be sumthing burdening my thought.

   To my blog readers... hope u can gimme some ideas..

    life does cost everything.. huhu.. n now i'm officially almost a broke. yeah.. dat's a fact baby.. I'm saving the smell of money in my wallet rite now.. haha.. but gladly my dad called my this evening.. n i out of my embarassment, requested him to check him money to support me for a while, while waiting 4 my scholar..yeah.. can't wait..
    e'tho lately, i don have that much money.. i realised that i've not been saving like i did b4..for a reason that mayb only me shud know.. a 'fit-in' reason.. hard to actually do that..but i'd rather do it than get left behind...
    and..lately too. i rarely got to play tennis..oh how i miss tennis so much.. i really wanna go down and get fit again.. i really need to burn all this baby fat that is residing un-i-allow-it-to-be-but-i-don-really-care-about under my skin.. no way.. i'm getting fatter day by day i guess..
    anyway.. i dun really know what to write actually.. i'll just leave it til here. oh yeah.. i copied my friend during the chem quiz.. i was totally lost..huhuh

    Well..all of foundation students were called to chancelor hall just now for a briefing by the Director of Graduate studies, M. ibrahim. well..i was not alerted by that name as i tot it wud be just a normal briefing, but when I set my foot in the chancellor hall n mr. brahim started his 'briefing'.. well.. now i remembered who is this ibrahim guy..yeah. he's that guy that gave us a lecture on humility the first week I was in utp.. and today.. lucky for us..we got the second lecture.. n with the same topic..i almost collapsed in my sleepiness..
    well..the summary of his sermon is more to..be grateful of what u're accomodate with rite now in utp..use it wisely..n in the end...provide us with good result.. burr.. i was so touched<---means that like the sermon was meant for me.. well.. yeah..my result for 1st sem final were not amazing..but not bad..but i guess utp wants more than us. more than just pass for every subject. oh how i hope that i'll get 4 flat.. just that i don know how.. i really wanna be good in what i'm doing rite now.. i wanna be hardworking and score in every quiz, test or exam...how i really wanna....
    i'm so lucky that i'm given gift of good memory by God. i can read stufs and remember them at instant..but i think my memory is getting rusty as e'tho i tried hard to memorize  things...especially facts and figures..bcoz i don't do further practice, they practically drown in my hedonist mind...huhuh.. guess that's a good analysis of myself. people please...help me to be good...hhuhu
    I am so actracted by one of the stories of mr. ibrahim.. about a marathon runner i Olympic Texas 1968---if i'm not mistaken---how in his race, he arrived last, but he was crawling as maybe he's cramped... e'tho he didn't win but he got the limelight by the press the next day..n when he was asked why he didn't just quit from the race.. he answered.. "My country didn't send me all the way to Texas to start this race, they send me here to finish the race"..one thing to think about...

    everytime we're comparing new and old things, definitely we'll go for the new one. the old, yeah, will be dumped, but id there's valuable meaning, mayb it wud be kept for its memory. howeva when we r in the context of friendship..sure we're looking to the new ones, but at the same time, the old can'r be dumped, but much more loved and appreciated. i'm a person that easily get new friends (and foe mayb..hehe) and sometimes i feel that when i hv too much friend, i tend to get confuse on which friends shud the priority goes to. rite now, mayb my circle of friend is just around UTP as i spend my most time here...at 1st, i enjoy my bunch of friend here, but i do realise, the feeling is just different. i keep on thinking, why can't dis friends in UTp be like my other friends...then I got the answer..it's about time and the similarity between us.
    well..time can be wait, but background similarity can't never be achieved by two different person here in UTP for me as I'm the only one in my batch that comes from Sg.Siput (U), and schooled at 2 different high schools. That made me have lodsa friend. but i realise that my true friends are only those that grew up with me. Calan. Cidan and Chai are my childhood friend. We went to the same primary school. Then, i rarely contacted them when we're at high school as all of us went to residential school. but then, despite the time gap, we meet again after my SPM and the chemistry never goes away as our friendship become stronger time to time.
    and then I have my SEMESTIAN friends, Shahlan n Dayat. all three of us start to know each other from form 1. going thru loadsa happiness and bitterness until i left semesti, leaving them. we lost contact. I started to feel that they have forgotten about me, and I started to hv new friends in my new school. but then, after SPM, we met again, esp. when Dayat and Shahlan entered the same matriculation center in Perak. I always join their outing and our friendship blooms again as what we ever feel before. and, definitely, both dayat n shahlan almost hv the same family background like me. Everytime i meet them, happiness exceeded bitterness, and we share stories like sharing a box of chocolates. every little bite is appreciated.
    My STMAA friends are the example of true friends are. They might not be so brilliant nor smart, but they just know how to appreciate friend. Amoy, Akmal, Azem, Azren and Una never forget this friend of their that rarely send sms to them, but they do. They send dirty sms, friendship sms and sms that tells me that they miss me eversince i started to enter UTP. they always ask me when is my next holiday as they wanna meet me and spend time together. E'tho i knew them not even 2 years, but it just feels like forever.
    here...i'm still searching and hoping....

    "life is meaningful"..say people who are happy with their life.. or.. is that just a denial or a mindset so that u feel glad born into this world? for me.. life is interesting.. not meaningful.. coz meaning can change..howeva, interest is a fact.. if u're interested wit sumthing..ur just interested..n what u will do is, u'll show it! tell me, how on earth u wanna show to people that ur life is meaningful? let say, u start working, buy a car, buy a house, get married, made some child and die. that's not meaningful.. but then how bout, if u are all that, but with a marriage prob, that u hv premature ejaculation, or ur wife cheated on u, ur son gets caught f*cking others daughter, ur daughter's shoplifting, herm..that isn't meaningful either...that's what we call interesting. wut I mean here, meaning depends on how we define it, howeva, interest is how we see things..practically practical. u got me?--mr. faisal taha..hehe
    actualy..i don understand what i'm trying to explain actually...well..i leave it for u guys to think over it..gtg..bye!

    Everytime I want to start sumthing---in a serious context---i'll definitely ask myself..how far cud I go along with  this? It's not about being unconfident with urself, but it's about realising ur limit and capability.. yet, another story of me whining why do i come to UTP..pursuing engineering which never came across my mind as a career. I always ask myself..how far will i go with this programme? Ok, obviously, loadsa engineers have gone far, but in my context..how bout me? can i make it? can i hold a degree scroll, standing beside my parents, taking photos, sharing the happiness? I'm just not sure, but one thing for sure, in the next 5 years or so, I want to see my dad smiles, patting my back saying that he's proud of me..
    I DON'T HAVE ANY MOTIVATION..i realise that..but after all, it all depends on me.. again i know that.. but how cud i depend on myself as even me can't see where am I going wit this...I want to be a journalist..or a talk-shpw host..my dad knows that.. but still he put the expectation..or maybe less burden..he puts the hope on me, succeed in  this engineering field. I respect knowledge and education, on wutever field it is.. but i just don understand why shud we have double standard in our society? it's a bloody mindset that science is just e'thing..and those who master science are geniuses... crap.. geniuses aren't those who master science only..geniuses are people who are experts..or infact..too experts, too knowledgeable in the field that they choose. If a person is an expert in business affair, and the other is an expert in physics, i can't see how people cud say that the physics is much more 'genius' than the businessman. It depends on how we lead our life..and how interested are we in certain subject..and why shud we deter this normal human desire with a damn irrelevant mindset? thanx to the 'care-about-people' government who 'geniusly' form our education syllibus. thank you very much.
    So, am I pissed rite now? Hell I'm not.. i'm not pissed nor regretting my appearence here in UTP, just a pity for PETRONAS investing its money on a boy who studies partially, hoping to grad, but never with an intention of working in that big company.. heck i wanna be an engineer.. there just so much of this engineers, i don wanna add the numbers. at least i cud give a lucky unemployed engineer a job.. whoa..wut a cocky..no lah, it's a joke.
    anyway...that's all for this entry.. not in a good mood..nuthing happy to brag about...ok..bye

    I always there's gotta be more to life..but i just don't know where.. when and how.. I just have my faith wit me.. a faith that nobody would ever understand and wats to share with me... a faith that only me can accept and hold.. as I always know.. people will never understand me.
    i never look at myself as a loner.. i always let myself believe dat i will always sumbody accompanying me..particularly my friends.. but i shud xtually realize dat, yes.. i will be accompanied.. but not everywhere.. mayb not here..in dis place that will have me for another 4 years. in dis place where it;s hardly for me to fit in any tribe.. a place dat i don't noe who's here and there for me... a place that's empty to me.. and makes me feel empty.
    i just can't write anything more rite now.. i just need serenity in my chaotic lil mind.. i just need a break...

    Hermm...who's rauf? well..a batch-mate of mine..and dis year a tutorial-mate of mine well..wut's so special about him that made him my title for today's entry? He's not my bestfriend 4 sure..but he's a guy who gets my pity. Why so? herm.. i just can't stand his attitude and behavior. And i tot, it's only me..but most of my frenz do think so. Well.. Rauf s the kind of person that always think he's the only one that's rite and others shud listen to him. He's the one that couldn;t accept critiscm and if other reject his ideas. He's not arrogant..as he tries really hard to make friend with everybody, i realise. but he just don't realize that his behavior is just annoying. oh yeah, he like sto gain attention---my rival..ahaha...no lah.. i don't crave that much attention as him---he said people can call him bon jovi during the ice breaking of our first tutorial. erkk... i pity him for his attitude and the fact that others don't like him. plus me too..
    I seriously do not agree with the fact that we---in the tutorial--hate him and shud just ditch him from our life...coz wuteva we do..neither of us will make him rite. He's a big guy and he shud know how to evaluate himself. Might we do not say it str8 to his face.. but action speaks louder  than words.. doesn't he realize how we usualy do face--and smile everytime he give his 'brilliant' ideas in class and actually, the boys allies themselves to connect rauf with me.. motive? I've tried my best to be okay with him... to treat him nicely, but i just can't take it anymore.. well, maybe yes, we can't take it personally bout his attitude as he's not offending us..but..it do affect our attention..hahha...
    anyway..just now we have our tutorial and 3 international enter our ttrl group.. the story goes dat when we need to divide intot group of 4. only Rauf and 1  of the int. students, Bathir, are in 1 group. What makes things spice up is when Syahiran get into our group as we had already have 5 members...Rauf actualy shouted to Syahiran asking him to get into he's group. Well..that's so him.
    Anyway..as usual..when we're back from ttrl group..me with my gurlfrenz will definitely say things bout Rauf.. and we have a quote today when I said that Rauf was mad when only him and Bathir are in the group as "Bathir hasn't know yet" hehehhe....

testing...testing........i posted sumthing yesterday but it didn't appear in my blog...wahhh.. what a tiresome if i ddn't appear....

whoa..me have being so bad that i have not updated my blog for how many months? hahaha...oh my gosh...i was not being ignorant, i just too busy...busy with my laziness that i forsakened my thoughts of life...how cud I??
    how's life? boring? tough? happy? dunno how to describe. boring might be the rite way as I enjoy sleeping then living my life<---psychologist said that loadsa sleeping is a symptom of how ur not enjoying life. tough?? physics as usual is killing me out. i just dunno wut am i learning everytime i enter the lecture hall..it was like me lost in the Milky way...trying to learn to float like my other frenz..buat usually i'll be the first sucked into the black hole...ergh...happy? yeah..i enjoy every single moment i spend with Siti<---who's she? my crush when I was in Morib's camp. She makes my life perfect.. but i noe that i am actually giving myself a false hope by being with her..why so? coz she already has a bf----and who am I to her? to take her bf's place for a while mayb in UTP? burr...sooo stupid...
    today is valentine day..no celebration, but siti did come to meet me just now.. bringing her self made cake..asking me to taste it..it was delicious.. n she said she'll make it again this thursday...can't wait..
    me...myself n I...oh yeah.. I lost my hp.. i'm using digi number now. funny that my dad called me and said that 'u lost ur hp mayb coz it's a sign 4 u to focus on ur study... not sending msges'...whoa..hehe...but yeah dad, ur rite..since i'm using digi in a maxis region (campuszone, my dear), less msg i did receive today..n is expected for the next days...thanx to the wonder of 15 cents is more valuable than friendship. but no biggie, i have internet n mirc here...do i need to contact my frens.. email n private msgs are always available...as long as ITMS don make any trouble..
    I wanna make more frens dis semester..and one of my resolution 4 this year has I achieved..what it is? to be a famous MC here in UTP..well cut the famous word..but I have became the MC for two kinda, sorta, mayb, kinda big events in UTP..and two more events ahead. Why am I so xtive this sem? huhu.. we..dis is my oractice..towards hosting my own talkshow.. oooo...can't wait.. me interviewing CT Nurhaliza about her retirement...me interviewing Oprah Winfrey on her first visit to Malaysia...ehhehe...so..til ere...tomorrow we meet again!! love urself...limit ur self.. extend ur wake up hours so that u can chat longer..hahaha